Loving The Alien

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Happy Valentine’s Day here at Loving the Alien! Are you alone tonight? Perhaps dating a dickbag? Well, as a public service, Loving the Alien has provided a list of relationships you should be glad not to be in… you know, just to give you a bit of perspective.

1. Jareth x Sarah

Can anyone else say pedophiliac stalker who thinks drugs is a perfectly acceptable way to win a girl’s heart? Good. Because that is exactly what happened.

Seriously, can you imagine the Valentine’s Day cards?

And what would Sarah’s response be?

“Because you know.. that’s not a creepy thought at all… you watching me while I sleep when I’m six years old, and then trying to sleep with me when I’m fourteen.”

I know it was the eighties and all, but not everything is The Thornbirds.

2. Duke Harkonnen/Feyd

First of all: don’t deny that this didn’t happen.

Unfortunately, I can’t find the scene on the internet in a way I can embed, so allow me to paint a picture for you while leaving a link for the more curious of you. Feyd-Rautha emerges from what I can only assume is a hot, steamy and very erotic shower wearing a hawk-inspired penis cover. Then he flexes his muscles a few times, while his pimply Uncle repeats his name lovingly. After this, they proceed to have eye sex in only the way Sting can.

It’s canon. You don’t get any more canon than that. So what’s my point? Be glad you’re not in an incestuous relationship with —in the case of the Duke- a psychopath or —in the case of Feyd- a pustule-faced, morbidly obese man.

See? Life is looking up, isn’t it?

3. Sam Winchester/ Everybody

So, I know a lot of girls would take exception to this because it’s Jared Padalecki, but the truth of the matter is: if you let his penis get anywhere near your inside bits, you’re dead.

And this is not an exaggeration.

Now you know just how shitty it really could be. You could be apart of the Dead Girlfriends Club. Here’s to being single!